08 Nov Questioning my faith
As I opened my eyes, I could see that it was a dark, gloomy, and a cloudy morning and the drizzling rain added to the very scene. The wall clock facing my bed showed that it was 8:30 am and I thought and said to myself that I have overslept today. I overheard many people talking /some in whispers and there were some people in the next room who were sobbing and crying. At a glance I saw my aunty and I was a little perturbed & worried as to why my aunty is here, my mother, father are here, my brother and sister are here and they seemed to be gloomy faces and I heard also some silent weeping in the next room.
I did not get down from my bed and as I was pondering & wondering, what was the issue, where my daughter and my wife were. As I got up I saw a coffin in the path way between the drawing and the dining room. I called loudly to my wife and daughter, but no one answered. I called my dog, in a loud voice, but Milky did not respond. Normally the dog comes and jumps on my bed when I get up from my bed; today she did not do so. I was very angry and I said” Something’s going on in my house, I do not know, I do not know where my wife is and where my daughter is and I yelled “Can someone respond to me?” Still there was no response.
I said “let me go to the bedroom mirror and comb my hair.” I went to the mirror, thinking that my hair will be in an unkempt state and hence I needed to comb nicely. I looked intensely at the mirror and I found that there was no image seen in the mirror to my surprise. Oh My God, what is this? Is it a ghost movie or what? I thought since it was dark so I could not see myself I suppose, I rushed to the bathroom mirror and I found that there also I could not see my replica in the mirror. Suddenly I got goose bumps in my throat/my arm hair got raised and a chill passed through my spine and I started thinking, what is happening, what is the issue? Why no one is responding to me, even when there are so many people in the house.
As I entered the drawing room, I saw two of my uncles there; One of them was looking at the newspaper and saying, and “Oh! the newspaper has published it in the second page today.” “Really he looks very handsome & I can only say that we have lost a wonderful boy.” We will miss him miserably.
I said, “Hello uncle.” He did not respond (neither he looked nor heard) and then I turned to other uncle who was intensely looking at the coffin also did not respond to me. I started thinking to myself, what is wrong everywhere. I am speaking to my uncle, I am calling my wife, my dog and to no avail no one is responding to me. Something is terribly wrong!!! Something is terribly wrong!!! Oh! Jesus tell me. What is the issue? In my tense moment, I shouted “Praise the Lord, Praise the Lord” twice and to my surprise; I saw a coffin with garlands and flowers lying in the drawing room floor. I understood that someone is dead and hence all are here, OK I understood and exclaimed and reasoned to myself.
My Pastor looking at the coffin said “He used to take part in church activities and also continued to read and interpret the Bible. Always he used to ask me life’s great questions and it was a great time I think we always debated and I tried to give the best answer in the biblical way.” As he spoke, tears welled his eyes. As I was perplexed, confused, tensed, out of my words, depressed not knowing what was happening, I quickly moved towards the coffin to see about whom he was talking as the dialogue and description sounded as if they were talking about someone familiar to me.
As I moved towards the corner of the wooden coffin and saw the person lying inside my coffin, my eyes opened in astonishment, “My God!! What is this? It was me, inside the coffin. . . it was my body inside the coffin. I realized and said” Oh I am dead and that is the reason I am shouting and no one is listening. Am I really dead? So, that is the reason they cannot hear me. Now I realized , Yes I was dead, because when I hit the dining table, I did not feel the pain and I felt as if it was not there and I realized later that it was there between the coffin and drawing room sofa chairs.
I shouted at the top of my voice “ Hello Uncle” I am here, can you not see me, I am here with my arms open wide, I want to hug you uncle, I can see you but you are not able to hear me and not responding to me. What is the issue? What has happened to all of you? OK, Let me see what news article, you are reading and I found to my utter surprise and grief, to see the photo of my smiling face in the 2nd page centre of the newspaper. There below the photo it was written “We miss you dear Romie (my nickname) from the bottom of our hearts – From All Family members” I saw my standard photograph.
My God, I am really dead. Am I really dead, I still was not convinced? As I started sobbing and crying and saying to myself I am no more, my wife woke me up touching my shoulder and said, What is the issue? Why are you crying early morning? Did you get a bad dream? Get up early, we have to go to church” She said. Oh Thank God, It was just a dream. I was on my knees and praised God for
my dream which reminded me of James 4:14, Our life is just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.
Am I living a life of good Christian faith? Many thoughts came to my mind. What happens when I die? Who will cry when I die? Will it
be like this? We rarely think about our death when we are busy with work as well as doing our daily routine activities. Yes, it was a
bright Sunday morning and I started reflecting on my death and said to myself, Am I ready to die any day? I remembered the song which rings “For Me to Live is Christ to die is Gain”. Phil. 1:21.
Br Rajkumar Ramachandran once stated in one of his sermons, Death is Promotion for me, Do I think death like that? The Bible says, For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed; we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens 2 Cor. 5:1. Yes, am I prepared to die any day? Jesus said, He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much: and he that is unjust in the least is unjust also in much, Luke 16:10. Let us be Living Sacrifice unto Him. Paul writes in 1 Tim. 4:7. “I
have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith: I questioned my self – Have I done so? Let me keep up my faith and finish the race to receive the crown which God has prepared for each one of us.